God, i know im in no place to talk to you, i am ashamed and i am embarrassed to even perform my prayers. God, i thought i could always write, i have never been through something like this, this is so heavy, forgive me for what i have done, i beg for your mercy, i want to be better, help me, englighten me, strengthen my withins.
I dont pray for a fantastic lover, i know i got one, so my prayer to you, god, for him is “Ya Rabb let him be amongst those closest to you, and grant him ease, peace, luck & happiness”
I am compelled to love him, its like i dont have a choice, i have no control for that, a million eyes and id still meet his, love, i would still meet his.
For years, he’s in my life. For even almost a year where we didnt see each other, he’s in my life. Not physically, but mentally in my mind. I bleed for him even when im not with him. I burn for him when im with him. Im willing to do everything in my power to have him. For he protected me, he cared for me, he provide for me, he was trying his best for me, and i was so blinded. I was thinking about ahead, i was trying to paint a picture of my future, he was in it.
My love for him.. i dont know how i can pour it into words. I thought i knew what love was, i thought i could keep using my mind, keep my sanity, keep my logic, keep my principles.. But for the first time in my life, i bend & i break. How can i show this to him?
I did some stuff, stuff i never thought im capable of. And realizing my act later when it is being thrown at my face. I can swear to god it was meaningless, it was stupid, it was for fun, it was something so wrong and something i shouldve never, ever, ever do knowing i have what i need, clearly i wasnt thinking straight by making those poor choices. God, I regret what i did, this, for sure, will be the biggest lesson, im better than this.
Life is so funny. I know im not deserving. I am the lowest creature on earth. How can i deserve this?
July was a game changer. When my father was sick, i was on my rockbottom. It was doomsday, hell, for me. He was there, and the comfort he gave me, made me even sure, that he’s here for me. 100%. When i was summering in my summer home, he went there to spend time with me, at first i refuse, cause being under a roof is still so taboo to me, but he went, and we had the most magical time. Way out of my mind. But it was magical. And ever since then, when i realized how deep he was in, and how deep i was slowly sinking, made me sure. We were both too deep in, i still am since im willing to do everything to fight for him, but god, please grant him ease and peace, i just want his love, thats all.
To H. For the kind words you spoke through that lips that are softer than clouds, For the scent you leave from that temple of a body, For the comfort and the care you have shown me from that genuine, pure soul, i am sorry. I am fully yours, and yours only.