All The Same
Let me write when im furious and i still have just a little bit of love. i dont know when it’ll be gone like FUCK i want it to be gone but thats how you know how loyal i am. i will ride till the very fucking end it till i fucking cant.
When in Bali i swear i paid for this mans tequila or sum alcoholic shot idek Just FOR HIM not to drink. i literally fought the girl like wht the fuck do not give this man alcohol. But the problem relies on the ALCOHOLIC like why are you getting drinks and why are you getting drinks when im THERE?????? this man knows i fucking hate the club scene and alcohol scene (1. Because i have trauma WHEN HE DOES IT 2. I HAVE TRAUMA WHEN DOES IT 3. FOR YEARS HE ALWAYS DO THIS SHIT like its not enough!!!!!!!!) I AM ALL for having fun guys. i want the man im with to be the happiest version of him truly, even if that means clubbing once in a long while with me. Let him have fun and just let loose. But this guy on god he kissed so much girls before me and 2 Girls (idek if hes saying the truth cz obviously he knows im very fucking HEARTBROKEN) during and after me. And on my very first KEINEMUSIK concert (1/3) Rampa !!!! He was drunk and STUPIDLY DRUNK 😭 that i have to keep my eyes on him at all times. This mans phone is at 1% and literally. He shrugged me off 100 times and says Fuck you a million times TO ME ????
Genuinely. Im just so fucking sad honestly. Im not even furious i take it back. Im just very broken with how he turned out to be. I know hes trying to change his ways, but ive seen this shit a million times before where he said he wud do one thing and do the other. Demi Allah when i was officially together with him i WANT THE whole wiDE WORLD for this man. let him be successful YA ALLAH let him be your best servant while being a boss all at once. So seeing him just waste his time on clubs and alcohol and girls and shit is just so 💔😭💔 i love him to death but i can only wish him the best. even if im very very very far away and its the best thing for him to realize that he needed to change his ways ya yaudah lah monyet. sorry. i dont like kampungan words but genuinely heartbreaking.
i cant wait to see him mature. i cant wait till he becomes his best self with his best personality and soft and kind hearted. cz thats the man i thought i fell in love with, i truly truly hope he can be the ‘him’ in my head cause i know everyone will fall in love with that guy too. Just sucks you know cz i stood by myself for a longtime, in my head its like im standing there and i just watch him burn down everything weve ever built and along with it my hopes and dreams for our future.
Anyways, this post is not just about that. its about a feeling i cant shake off for a while. about being alone and how navigating myself through loneliness is such a challenging time. cz im so toxic in my head, i demand myself this and that, how great would it be for someone to be by my side and supports everything and actually take care of me. at this point i just wanna be taken care of you know, i cant deal with my feelings alone and i hate HATE uncertainty.
What made it seem more miserable is i actually know what and how i will be when i finally have a guy i can trust again, someone thats certain for my future. 1 thing for sure is he will definitely take care of a baby cz im ready to be clingy and soft and just put down all the weights i have from aaalll this time. when i trust a man again, i will definitely cry and tell him you dont know how long i have been waiting for this. and its not because im dependent. NOT AT ALL. i could be the most independent person you know, drive myself everywhere, work for my own everyday money, keep everything to myself, and many more. But its because im so ready to let my guard down and enjoy being the woman i wanna be, faithful, loyal, soft, clingy asl, annoying asf, share memes 😭 share reels and tiktoks. share so many shit that it feels like he consumes me. I know how i will talk, what i will wear on dates, and just the most random pathetic shit.
Then again its maybe not my time yet, but when its finally my time, i hope it serves me right. I read one thing i wanna keep here:
