at first i wanted to delete everything from this medium cz of how pathetic i sounded, reading everything and watching myself collapse like its the end of the world, come to think of it, its like my own crime scene.
but naah, it was all just proof. that i love hard and deep, i love more than my small body could bear, and that i survived hell. i was lied to, i was cheated on, i was wasted on, but still i continue to love like theres no tomorrow, no regret in that. i used to think it was my biggest mistake in life, or the worst fate i cud have possibly had, but ya Allah im so sorry if i ever said that cz i know you had to DO that, some of them was my own doing, i paid the price for the sins ive committed. for all the good im thankful, for all the bad, thankyou but NEVER again.
love is a funny thing, grieving the living is even more funnier. oh loveee, pray for me. inshaAllah, when you visit me again, you will make it right and make me feel reciprocated, or more. Please be kind, for almost 3 years ive been wanting to feel something.
i never wanted to heal before, the pain was the last bond i had with you, i find warmth in my tears and felt most alive hurting all night, i made a blanket from the worries and built a tent from the loneliness. i stayed, so you can run and look back, having the comfort to know that i was still there, not an inch moved.
i remember september 2022, i said to myself, you can wait till the new years, then i waited till the new years, then umrah came, i prayed hard and kissed the kaaba under your name, then i said to myself, lets wait a little bit longer, july 2023 came, you said that you kissed another girl, i hated you, i cursed myself, but whats one more girl? you have done it before infront of my face, why not wait and see what happens? 2023 ends, 2024 came, everything was still the same, i built up the courage to reach my therapist again (i was embarassed) she said, ive been hurting too long, i havent chose myself, but october 2024 came and we were sitting infront of the beach at 1 am together, i thought to myself, maybe this is it, the same month i caught him chasing a girl to exchange contacts, and even then i was like, whats one more girl? whats one more girl shirin???? whats one more drink?? whats one more night at the club??? whats one more day waiting?
the next day came. i came to a conclusion, i will keep my love to myself. i hope one day someone will be able to give it back. love me, how i love
https://open.spotify.com/track/2EGJB8bDbbxtvSgJQLwqK7?si=0B9OEuSURjiCc4iJnaSaJQ
