Room for doubt

To fully manifests — truly get what you wanted, mum said to really believe that it will happen, whatever you desire. Leave all trust to God and having 100% faith that He will make it happen, and you know that what it is you wanted is already yours.

Somewhere infront, sometime in the future, it is just waiting for you and are at the grasp of your own hand.

But what if, you believe so much, have been waiting for it, excited to have it, but its taking longer than you expect? from 100% believing and having the utmost faith, waiting will shake you.

1 thing i know forsure about myself — i hate gambling. i hate uncertainty. i hate not knowing. But that is literally the core of belief, of religion, of faith. there is nothing proven, god is not factually proven, we cant see it, history can be smth someone made up. but there you are believing, 100% believing that it will lead you to a better after life. you abstain from the sins and you commit fully practicing. how is believing in God easy but believing He will get you what you need in time is hard? why is the waiting game so hard and i keep failing???

I am a hard cracked egg, hard on the surface, couldnt get to me even if you tried. But genuinely underneath the surface, i question it a lot. i doubt a lot. there are things in my mind all the time. How is it so damn easy to fake convictions? the confidence i radiate but inside i truly just waver? no one knows i left so much room inside for doubt. no one can know. but i know God knows and im truly ashamed.

While were on the topic, im not one to surrender easily too. i dont settle. i think im pretty good at being stubborn & having things go my way, but that is also not what Faith is about. Life is 50% you & 50% God. God gave you freewill, He is what our choices are and is there along the way. But there are times where you have to surrender, you do what you have to do, and leave the rest to Him. Now can you not micromanage and stress yourself along the way?

The sins i made along the way or small decisions i 100% make myself, are maybe delaying my blessings. But eitherway — what is written for me will be for me Inshaa Allah. I hope God remembers and are guiding me through each step i take. He can make everything, anything happen in just a flick.

Trust it will happen. Trust its coming. My God is bigger than anything.