Look im writing again.. but honestly, this time feels a lot more different than the previous writings. I could say that this is forced, this is an attempt for me to clear out everything before the new year began, and im trying to live that new year new me motto. Ugh honestly, i hate writing this, but what the hell, maybe it can help some of you.
2022 was divided to two parts, the happy first 6 months where everything was heavenly, then the next 6 months where it was completely lucifer-sent hell. I dont think a lot of you actually knew what i went through, and some of you may have ideas of what had happened to me, but honestly, think out loud, as i certainly wont be answering questions about this.
I once said to a friend mid convo about life “kayanya gue gabisa lebih sakit dari ini deh, kayanya ini udah peak gue, gue udah ketabrak pesawat kayanya, kyknya gaada lagi yang bisa nyakitin gue lagi abis ini” lololol, a month later, boom. You know that saying “habis jatuh tertimpa tangga” ? well what happened to me was habis jatuh tertimpa tangga tertimpa gajah masuk ke tanah dilapisin semen diangkat lagi ke tanah abis itu dikubur hidup-hidup pake batu. Lol
I know damn well im a good person. I may have my bad traits, or immaturity comes to stage at times, but i have the purest intention, the purest form of connection, the innocence at first, the gut to take accountability, the softness to care, the cleverness to figure, and a whole lot of good traits that are overshadowed.
My heart went through a lot. It trusted. It Flourished. It has lived to its full capacity of what a heart should really feel. Then it was broken. It was shattered. It was betrayed. Then it was left alone.
But it also forgave. I forgive the people who countlessly stabbed it. Someone who knew what i needed was a cure but left an even bigger scar. And through these 6 months, it was never healed, certainly the righteous people tried to make an effort, bending the heart they did not break. It didnt work. And i blamed myself a for for the way i feel things, this is why i hope deep feelers will always get chosen by another deep feelers, cause those who overthinks, overloves. I blamed myself for falling too deep, for believing lies, for tolerating pain, and for a lot of other things.
But one thing i will never blame myself for — being genuine. being truthful. being so vulnerable and knowing i needed another hand to help. i will never blame myself for having the big heart that i do, for even after getting it ripped apart, it still managed to be vital and kept on working like it never knew pain. had a heart so big it only loves when its hurting.
I too will never blame my eyes, for always focusing to only see the best out of everything, despite having to see its biggest nightmare comes to life.
For all the real sleeping nightmares — the sleepless nights just trying to breathe — the bathroom breakdowns — the waking up with a heavy heart, as well as the not being able to watch my favorite series — listening to my favorite musics — going to places i love — and so many uncountable discomfort i had to go through just to finally feel safe and comfortable, and not feeling like i am losing myself.
To God — to my mother — to my bestfriends Fina & Hani — to my psychologist- to everyone who didnt know yet still managed to put a smile on my face that helped me ease the pain a little bit, i wish you all only the happiest heart.
May the tears i cried this year water the seeds im planting for 2023. May the love i emit, reflect and reciprocate back. I am on a battle only with myself now, and like always — i will win.
2023 will be full of blessings, happiness, health, wealth & luck. I can feel it. The silver linings right there.