i went thru so much in a year. the first month of breaking up was just me murdering myself with the detak jantung ga stabil 😂 nangis every SINGLE DAY AND NIGHT, begging and begging, blank stares, missing classes, and going out for ‘fun’ when in reality it broke tfff out of me. I told myself you can stay for 3 months, kalo ngga ada yang berubah, let him go. It became 6,7,8 months and here we are a year later.. i was soo innocent and naive trying to save something that doesnt wanna save itself. I went through the clubbing phase, the laporan magang phase, the judi phase, the clubbing again phase, the not talking phase, the skripsi phase, the kissing someone again phase, the clubbing phase AGAIN. I just be stabbing my heart a thousand times, and girll i never really learn!! he will never ever change. So deceitful and acting like its never a big deal when its killing me. So the respect really was never there which makes it easier to let go.
He expects me to remember the good we had in the relationship. YES IT WAS GOOD. So i held on for the good times. before he ruin and destroy and kill me completely 👌🏻 so yes, it OVERSHADOWED the relationship that we had, it gave me a CLEARER idea of him, how he is like when he’s unable to love. So like any other sane person ITS HARD to remember the good when for a long time its always been just BAD BAD BAD PAIN PAIN PAIN HURT HURT HURT eventhough i explained and shown him how mental fucking it was, he didnt do better, he did worse, i didnt know what to expect from someone who lives alone, far from his family and far from God. I hope overfeelers and overthinkers get chosen the way they were supposed to be chosen. Gets reassurance the way they need to feel safe and secure.
setiap buka hati lagi dan mau usaha lagi dan mau percaya lagi ya ujung2nya dibohongin lagi, di kasih liat lagi kelakuannya ngga berubah-ubah, bener2 ngga peduli ya perasaan gue jadi dia bebas ngapain aja. Gue yang kalo makan enak aja pingin ngasih tau dia, tapi ngeliat perasaan gue bener2 gamasuk in his daily calculation rasanya cape bgt gaaa sih. Intinya you lost a real one, one who wouldve given you the worldddd eventho shes the girl, she was never asking and expecting for much. Gapernah maksa dianter jemput, gapernah maksa dibeliin barang-barang, gapernah minta2 dan gapernah maksa apapun kecuali buat diperhatiin dan disayang aja. Bener-bener bare minimum aja gaaa nyampe sih. He said minimum effort, im like WHAT? what effort? NOT EVEN MINIMAALLL. Its zero. Zero!! i turned my life around just to keep this man, i killed myself daily trying to keep this man. what the hell did he do for me? nothing. Ive been so good to him for so long. whatever he needs im there even when he told me to leave many times.
The countless paragraphs i sent, the tears i cried infront of him or when im alone, the way i still speak of nice things abt him to other people, the sleepless nights i worried abt him going to clubs, the days that always felt longer cz i felt so alone, the social media stalking cz i felt so unsafe, the checking his posts, wanting to know recent updates, just everything ABOUT THIS GUY for a year when in reality dia would never do the same for me. A year is 365 days, 8760 hours, 525600 minutes. If you think about it, its a long ass time to feel pain and hurt and getting treated like trash from the only person you cared about. Its like gpp deh gue mati yg penting gue ada disini buat dia. AND FOR WHAAAATTT? Dapet apa??? Dapet disakitinnyaaa lagi, dapet kesalahan yang sama lagi, dapet perlakuan yang gapantes lagi, sampe ngerasa Used. Gitu aja cycle nya satu tahun.. kok tegaa dan liciik yaaa, maybe he never considered me as a girl with a heart yang bisa capek jugaa. But whereee? where will you find another one like me? yeah i have my mistakes and flaws.. im not perfect, never claimed to be, not a saint. But i know im enough and more for you!! Hahahah guys i literally did everything. i stayed after he made the biggest mistake he can do infront of my face, i stayed after he broke up with me, told me to leave, made me beg him every day for months, prayed for him infront of kaabah, stayed after he made the same mistake, all i wanted was just LOVE. do you know how insane it is? i stayed for LOVE. i stayed so i can get the love i thought i wanted and needed. I just needed that LOVE so bad i didnt care how it was destroying me. I was a doormat. I let him come back so many times after i tried picking myself back up only for him to ruin it again with the false hope, the same mistakes, the disrespect. He did NOT CARE FOR ME. i did not get even a fingertip of love.
I watch him love me, and then i get to see him destroy me. everything he ever said, he did the opposite. the sweet words were deceitful. Im so mad at myself.
he asked me what will i tell people if they asked about us, i am never one to talk shit obviously since the things he did is embarassing tf out of me cz it didnt happen only ONCE. but i think he knows exactly what he did, the way he did it, the action, and the IMPACT it had, he knew the consequences and he did it over and over and over and over again. He knows how shitty he had treated me and for a long time at that too when i had given and shown him nothing but Love. and Love is also what i asked back. not anything. never anything. i finally accept and took what he did to me, and wordss!! im tired of words. his actions are Loud enough. someone said how do you know if a person values you? he values it when you dont even have to think about questioning it. i dont trust words anymore, i ate way too much of his lies, i only trust actions, people can say so much and pretend to do a lot without being serious about it.
who was there for him when he needed help? didnt care where i was, what im doing. i dropped everything for this man and watch him made me feel like it was nothing!! like i was nothing. like i was not that worth it. like lying to me is easy. like hurting me is easy. like loving me is hard. what pains me doesnt pain him. i cry so much i feel like he enjoy making me cry. i showed him what loyalty meant, he showed me what backstabbing feels like.
if your name means truth, wHY You lie so much? if your name is Muhammad why cant you imply what he taught??? i remembered one time he said he wants a girl that sticks with him since the beginning, since nothing, since 0!! i literally stuck with him even when was a MINUS
broke my spirit. broke my faith. broke my trust.
the worst thing you can do to a girl is make her feel unseen and alone. Thats how i felt for a year.
Mean, Cruel, Deceitful,
In the enddd, i did what i have to do, i did way more than what i could do, i did SO MUCH for NOTHING.. but i will never regret it. I did my best. Shows how much i respect the relationship i used to have, i held on and on for someone who finds pleasure in hurting me. Cz if it happened way more than once, it is definitely intentional.. pintu maaf yang selalu kebukaaa bahkan dr kesalahan terbesarnyaa bukannya bikin dia mikir untuk jadi lebih baik, jadi deserving, jadi worthy, jadi seseorang yang bisa bikin perempuan ini bahagiaa dan seneng, malah dia bikin kesalahan yang sama lagi!!!!! dan di dalem prosesnya, gaada reassurance sama sekali.. malah dugeeem lagi malah gini gitu lagiii! bener2 ancur sih hatiii dan pikiraan untuk tetep stay sane walaupun udah hancur berkeping2 literally in pieces since last year, its like sitting in the corner sendirian cuma bisa ngeliatin dia dan seluruh actionnya, disappointinggg dan bikin sakit hati bgt sih. but i wont regret a thing cz i didnt do anything wrong and i fought my HARDEST. the LONGEST.
anyways there are some silver linings here. I found myself! however broken and deaaad i was, i can now fully enjoy myself and my own company, i can start to slowly work like how i always love to!! its hard being active after feeling dead for a long time but im revived <3 i also start to talk to god everyday. i will tell Him things that are happening and im praying that i will finally get what i deserve. All the efforts and the waiting and the begging, God knows what i went through!! He definitely saw everything and He knows, He guarantees that all is equal, an eye for an eye, whatever it is i pour, He will pour back. I love God <3 I hope i wont astray my ways and keep being in the right path.
by now youd expect to me to fully hate men. fully hate love. that i had turn bitter and i will never love anyone the same again. or if i dont have any faith/trust in love. No!!! Never!!! I am a lover girl at heart and i will wear my heart on my sleeve like always!! just because someone didnt know how to love me right, doesnt mean no one cant!!! just because ive been hurt by love doesnt mean i will never get the love i deserve allll aloongg!! the girl with the purest intention and always wanting the best for you, and you did her so wrong for a long time. God is good and God is fair.
i know love exists cause i exist and i am full of it
akhirnya <3
